Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
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He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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