Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
