his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
