If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
