we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
