Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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