We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
