You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
