your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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