I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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