You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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