I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
