quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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