On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
