I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
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Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying