I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa