also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
