Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
