my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
