No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
