I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
