you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
