You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑