i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..