my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
