I'm jealous of your bromance
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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