you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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