i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
