dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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