dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
