There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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