Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
