like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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