She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
