You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
