fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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