Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
