what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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