I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
