looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just had sex on a roof
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
