I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
