I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
