Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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