think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
