I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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