I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
