she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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