I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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