if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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