In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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