that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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