The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
