Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Someone signed my nipple.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
