when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
