Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
